Like a monkey knitting a jumper....

I am so pissed off with myself, i am constantly filled with thoughts and images of the perfect me...both mentally and physically, i strive everyday to become this tanned, toned beautiful goddess...today i had a  mini epiphany.....WHO AM I DOING THIS FOR???  I have a family who love me...i recently told my mum about my eating and she completely understood and was wonderful and amazing...TA MA!! I have a mildly entertaining job, some extrtememly cool/fab/ridiculous/rash as fuck friends whom i love to pieces and would very easily die for.....and to top it all off i have the most amazingbeautiful/sexy/fuckgod/stallion of a boyfriend who is completely devoted to me, has the most amazing tongue to pussy ability and loves me nearly as much as i love him.   None of these people want me to be any different...this then poses the aforementioned question....?  Am i doing this for me?? Possibly...will i be happy when i have finally wasted away to a hairless, boney, broken fuckup of a human being, surviving on little more than farts and moonbeams??? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
So here endth the whiney diary of me....
I will be reborn tomorrow pouring my entire thoughts of the day into this lj for no ones benefit but my own.

Why am i so selfish, my man's best friends brother has died and he's gone to stay with him, all i want is him back with me.
Why am i selfish?  What's wrong with me?

i am pleased to say that my self-control has increased MASSIVELY since i started my positive thinking, i have stopped snacking and bingeing at work and at home, i look forward to my lunch and dinner - granted its a piece of meat with some green vegetables, but i feel in control.  I like this feeling and i welcome it.
Tuesday i slipped up but have since regained my composure, i'm sticking to around 1500 calories per day and my only carbs are 1 x weetabix in the morning for my brekkie.
I am now down to 68kgs, at the moment i am still a size 12 but i aim to be a 10 by easter.  I think if i got any thinner than that i would look a bit ill so a size 10 is my limit.
I have a vision of myself as i would like to be in a perfect world...size 10, graphic designer for a cosmetics company  - hello dior and YSL!!!! , teaching fitness classes, nice home, 3 kids and my beautiful boyf by my side, happily ever after for the rest of our days.
I am not unrealistic, its a realistic goal but its a long way off for me as yet, a lot of hard work, one of my close friends has just landed a job designing for Bench and Hooch, he's been designing since forever...
I can, i will, i believe in me
I can, i will be a size 10
x

Bollocks....
I binged on a very small amount of pasta leftover from last night and then proceeded to purge it inot da potty!
*Bounces head off keyboard several times*
But i don't feel bad or guilty cos thats the first purge since Sat.
Nuff
x 

AND ALSO BECAUSE I FEEL GOOD ABOUT HOW MUCH I'VE EATEN TODAY....
1 x apple = 60
1 x banana = 150
1 x weetabix with milk = 70
3 x cappuccino = 180
1 x apple = 70
1 x stick of kit kat = 40
2 x weetabix = 130
small piece of chicken = 50
GRAND TOTAL SO FAR THIS FINE FUCKING DAY......750 CALORIES

TOTAL BURNT TODAY....
Exercise - approx 600
BMR - 1725

THANK YOU PAUL!!!!!!!
My friend sent me a case study/workbook that he designed about goal setting, positive mental attitude, relaxation etc.
IT'S A FUCKING GODSEND!!! The most ironic part is that he doesn't, nor will he ever, realise how much so.  He sent it to me on the premise that the relaxation part would help me sleep better without the aid of sleeping pills.   
I am a negative thinker, but i'd never really thought about it because my negative brain was tricking my positive brain into thinking its negative.....???
It is now Thursday and i haven't b/p'd since Saturday night, and to be honest i don't think i will for a while...i'm not sure what is happening to me but i've begun my own mantra that i say when i'm walking/falling asleep/exercising....
I Can, I Will, I Believe in Me....I Can, I Will, I Believe in Me....I Can, I Will, I Believe in Me....and so on and so forth, i cannot emphasise enough how much this has affected me in the last few days, it is like brainwashing myself, the more i repeat it, the more it makes sense....its 1 month till Easter and i promised myself that i would be a 10, 1 month to drop a dress size and i BELIEVE i can do it!!!!  I've stopped binging as well, to a degree, i still snack on fruit and drink coffee like a mother fucker but i feel different, like everythings slowed down and i don't feel the need to rush anymore...
I feel like the sun is shining on me for the first time in forever....
I'm not saying that my ED has gone because i still hear her talking to me when i look in the mirror or catch my reflection, but when i hear her voice i pause.....and begin my mantra....I Can, I Will, I Believe in Me....
Dare i be so bold as to actually believe that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, that my sentence is nearing its end, can i be free of this obsession????
Can i really start seeing my own potential?  I feel nervous but also excited, other things now occupy mind where there was once self-loathing there is now appreciation of myself and everything that i have acheived and everything that i will achieve, i can focus on my MA...I am not useless and talentless and worthless...time and practice and dedication are the skills that i must hone....
BRING IT ON WORLD!!!!!!
x

I lasted 5 days b/p free but i purged on Friday night after i got back from my friends house.  I then purged again yesterday, twice.
But today i feel strong again so i'll try and stave off the urge if i can.  My friend sent me a document he created about positive mental thinking, i've been putting it into action today, trying to visualise stopping myself from binging, slapping myself on the leg, saying NO, i am comfortably full and i don't want to purge because with the purge comes the negative thoughts and feelings, these thoughts and feelings i then take out on my wonderful boyf, who doesn't deserve to be treated this way.
I love him.
I stole some of his food, i am too ashamed to tell him so i'm going to replace it before he notices.  i feel terrible, low, worthless, a loser, a thief, i hate myself for doing this.
All these feelings i'm wishing away right now, i don't want to feel like this anymore and its Bulimia that makes me feel this way.
Stop the bulimia and i stop the negative.
So today is day 1 of no b/p, i am happy to restrict if i can, just visualise the end of the day without staring into the toilet bowl.  
This i can do!

Day 5 - b/p free, dare i hope??!!!
Is the end of the cycle in sight or can i maintain this abstinance?????
I am feeling positive, i had forgotten how much my mood lifts when i am free of the cursed b/ping, i've not eaten much today either so, dam it, i'm gonna list, just for my own benefit really...
1 x banana....150
1 x coffee....30
1 x weetabix & fromage frais....120
1 x slice of toast....92
2 x licorice....80
1 x small cappuccino....100
2 x banana....300
1 x small apple....50
1 x ryvita....34
1 x drumstick lolly....60
1 x chewy stick thing....80 I HATE MY SWEET TOOTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TOTAL CONSUMED - 1096
TOTAL BURNT - 900 approx
Hmmmmmmmmmmm so i think thats everything so far, in addition i have participated in 1 step class and taught 2 aerobics classes so i'm feeling about 900 cals burnt today through exercise.
Consumed - Burnt = 196 calories
I'm feeling very positive and determined (why am i still in pink??) Thats better...oh i'm still bold....sorted...Anyway this is staring to look like a wanndie ana biiiiatchs diary so i'm gonna go home and roast myself some dam fine spicy vegetables for my tea and sit in front of my imac and try and get this project sorted.  I miss painting, i did some really nice designs for my canvases in illustrator.
Get It Done NIna!
x

So i am fast approaching the end of Day 4. b/p free.  Please please let me have broken the cycle and i can be free for whatever time i am allowed.
Yesterday was tough, i felt especially down and on the verge of tears most of the day.  i hate feeling like this because i truly feel like i have no right to feel like this, other people suffer far worse than me.  A finally realise how much i will miss him when he leaves for America, i've been keeping my feelings from him and just supporting him left, right and centre but deep inside i know it will kill me to say goodbye, even for just 5 months.
I think its finally dawning on him how much we need and rely on each other, he's my best friend, my lover and my soulmate.  To be without him would be like losing part of myself,  every moment i'm not with him i crave him and yet when we are together i feel totally at peace, i feel complete.
I never believed in true love until i met him, in fact i'd given up altogether.  I believe in fate and destiny.
EVERYTHING happens for a reason, 
I believe in fairy tales
I believe in happy ever after
I believe in dreams
Before i met him i was a shell, i was empty and hollow, wandering through life along an invisible path to nowhere.
Completely absorbed in my ED
Now i see the path, but i don't see the end, that is still hidden from me, i fight my ED along the way, 
I won't let it consume me.
x

This saturday was the first time in about 3 months that i had some "eggs", if anyone is unsure what i mean by that term then please just comment and i'll explain.
I hardly ate anything on Saturday as i was excited about going out Sat night, was quite hungry until boshed the first one and then bye, bye hunger
Hello ultimate leathered!
It was strange because i haven't actually missed the sensation and to be honest am not too fussed about doing it again.  I looked a mess at the end of the night, felt cold, backache, headache, irritable because we waited 2 and a half hours for our taxi.  Then felt shit most of yesterday too.
But i had no urge to purge!
Bought a big bag of pic 'n' mis from morrsions along with a chicken baguette and some grapes, then when my fella came back from footie we went out and got fish and chips,
I digested the lot, thank you very much enzymes.
And today because i've had 2 days of being blessedly b/p free i feel strong enouigh to carry on
Fingers Crossed
Its alarming for me that doing something that is potentially damaging in one way has benefitted me in another.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh Well...
Only half a day at wotk today, finishing in just over an hour
In addition the sleeping pills worked a treat!
x

Today my GP prescribed me some sleeping pills, she also thinks that i'm depressed but hopefully if the sleeping pills work then the depression will lift.
I hope she's right, i despise feeling like this, i feel useless, i wanted to stab my boss the other day because he's a very noisy eater and drinker.
Anyways, i have finally made up with my best friend, we sort of fell out because she felt i was neglecting her, and my other compadre's too, in favour of spending time with my man.
She was right.
We had a really good heart to heart.  I feel better for that.
I WILL NOT B/P TODAY!!!

What are my thoughts for the day......?  
So far i am ridiculously tired.
I like my userpic.
Cos i love orchids although i have been neglecting mine recently.
I really want to go home and bake some ULTIMATE tasty low fat cookies.
My boss annoys me
I annoy me
Most people annoy me
I love everyone
I hate everyone
I'm hungry
I'm not hungry
I can't sleep
Whinge
Whinge
Whinge
GIVE ME SOME MEDICATION!!!!!
Sweet.
x